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Ed Schaeffer's avatar

Graham:

Unfortunately, in a life made with proper decisions, the pick

of your first wife was not an illustrious example. Almost all of us

had "starter marriages"; I did! However, even though together for

or almost 10 years, we produced no children. A blessing!

Unfortunately for you, this "wasted" marriage produced 3 children,

none of whom could realize the value of Dad. (Remainds me of the

old phrase: "A flunky has a flunky's conception of greatness").

In this ditty, Mary Ann was the flunky, not Graham. But Graham needed

to absorb all the fallout. The feeling of rejection, heartache, and so on.

(Reminds me of being sued by my Mother for abuse!)

We all carry regrets, and skeletons in the closet, but, frankly, no one

deserves a rejection like this. Mary Ann is the culprit: you were the target.

Nevertheless, take a deep breath and remind yourself of the riches

you nurtured in the current family. You ARE blessed!

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Graham Seibert's avatar

Thank you, Ed. Moreover, I am blessed with good friends of long standing. Thank you for being there. We had some interesting times together.

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Notch Johnson's avatar

Here's my thinking: 3 tries for the 1st key; 2 tries for the 2nd; 1 try for the 3rd - 6 total (Note: only 3 wrong attempts needed for 1st key because then you know it works in 4th lock & therefore doesn't need a 4th try).

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Graham Seibert's avatar

Got it.

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Ed Kammeyer's avatar

Alternatively, my mind solved like this: 4x4=16, 16-4-3-2-1=6. I’ll have to scratch out the algebra later!

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Kit's avatar

6 times. 3 times for the first lock, 2 times for the second lock, once for the third lock and no times for the fourth lock.

''These professional women must look at Oksana with interest and perhaps a bit of envy. She has chosen a traditional path through life and it is working. '' Oksana chooses to follow the behaviour that her species has consistently displayed for millions of years. And weirdly, and completely randomly, it suits her nature and works. Other women choose to behave contrary to their species evolved behaviour and, weirdly, it doesn't leave them fulfilled or satisfied.

If penguins were to go and live in the desert we would think they were insane, if eagles were to nest on the ground, we would think they were mad. Yet when humans display equally maladaptive behaviour, we honestly don't understand why they are miserable, stressed and on anti despressants.

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Graham Seibert's avatar

These women are for the most part still young and attractive. They certainly still enjoy male attention, though I don't know of boyfriends. The reality will hit them harder in 10-15 years, when it is beyond saving.

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Kit's avatar

Women have a good time in their 20's. Everyone is nice to them and goes out of their way to look after them. They seem to think that this is just the way the world is and is their due. Then they lose their fertility signifiers. And no longer receive special, preferential treatment. And they are quite honestly surprised and confused.

I was talking to a woman I know, last weekend. She has just hit menopause and is stunned with the reality that she will now never have children. She has had several long term relationships but was never quite 'ready' to settle down and have children. Now she is in a state of shock and regret.

Biology is hard and unforgiving. It doesn't give a damn for our feelings or wishes or social constructs.

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Graham Seibert's avatar

Yeah. A friend expresses it as the shock that comes when heads stop turning when you walk into a room. "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, for old time, she is a-fleeting."

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Masaki Fujii's avatar

In Japan, once divorced, it's normal to be a total stranger.

Divorced couples rarely stay friends.

If the siblings split up, they may or may not have contact with each other. An example of my relatives.

There is a Japanese proverb.

"Third honesty = third time finally realized or try 3 times"

"Buddha's face is allowed up to 3 times = Mistakes are allowed up to 3 times"

Now you are happy for the third time

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Graham Seibert's avatar

Very a propos. Mary Ann's mother was Japanese, and this anger and estrangement was a dynamic in her family. As mentioned, I wrote about it on my web site. Perhaps some of it will sound familiar.

http://grahamseibert.com/nonperson.pdf

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HardeeHo's avatar

The pain reflected here is obvious and won't ever subside. At best prayers for those who who have scorned you. May they someday find the peace you have discovered. I feel sad for them and often wonder how they deal with their anger given life so short. Condolences.

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Graham Seibert's avatar

"Living well is the best revenge." George Herbert, 1640. And that involves the self-discipline to put the past behind me.

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HardeeHo's avatar

No solace in revenge, a prayer or a wish for better for your lost family may restore hope for them. I so pray.

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Graham Seibert's avatar

We pray for them. I try to be sincere.

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Bill's avatar

Graham, I think you did learn something from re-examining your first marriage. You learned that it isn't worth the effort again.

Notch beat me to it. Darn it. :-)

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Graham Seibert's avatar

Ah, Bill, I'm on my third marriage. Triumph of hope over experience - this time it worked.

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