Children and the meaning of life. Kyiv comes back to life

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People have children if they think that life has meaning, and that meaning includes procreation. Otherwise, kids are nothing more than an expensive nuisance getting in the way of enjoying life.

Most people today are affected by what Charles Murray calls the European Syndrome.  He phrases it as "The purpose of life is to while away the time between birth and death as pleasantly as possible."  Our work and household chores have gotten much easier, but raising children remains hard work. Why should we do it?

This is an individualistic age, and we see the purpose of life in an individualistic light. Whereas a tribal African or American Indian sees himself as a transient member of a permanent entity, the tribe, we moderns do not feel we belong to anything bigger. We often see nothing special about the countries that are ours by accident of birth or immigration, or the bloodlines that flowed together to make us. We recognize nothing extending beyond ourselves as individuals.

We seek and recognize individual accomplishments in education, career, and status. Having children is not an individual thing. It's a contribution to society. There may be some ego strokes if the kids accomplish something and one can bask in reflected glory. But it is scarce, and certainly not guaranteed.

In general, a couple raises kids not for themselves but for their community, their extended family, and to support their group, whatever they conceive that to be. Those of us who find that the purpose of life is raising children are in a minority. People who even give the matter thought are not that common.

Contraception is widespread.  A lack of interest in sex seems to be increasingly widespread. Even our sperm count and hormone levels are falling. Paul Moreland in "Tomorrow's People" reports that a quarter of Japanese under 40 have never had sex and that other nations are following suit.

Anecdotes support the statistics.  I reflect on the motivations, the purposes in life of the people that I have been around.

I've had three fathers in law. The second died at 75. The current one just turned 75 and seems to be on his way out. These are simple guys who didn't think about having children, though they both like them. That neither one could have articulated a philosophy of life has been quite visible at the end of those lives. The first one hung on for four years without really knowing why – simply out of habit. The second one is doing likewise despite four chronic conditions that will claim him sooner rather than later,

The mothers in law are a different story. The second one, a Japanese, did not much like kids but out of a sense of duty had them and devoted herself to raising them.  Those children – five in all – are successful in life but did not feel devotion to the notion of children.  The managed to have a total of seven, from some combination of accident, subterfuge and sense of obligation, but they have not encouraged those children to marry or have kids.  Which they have not.

My present mother-in-law is more typical. She's been living with us now for months as father-in-law gets treatment. With me she is deferential; we get along well. She complains all the time to my wife about the work she does and the burden of the children.

My observation is that living with us has given her a purpose in life. She feeds the baby and will tell me if I'm doing it wrong. She elbows me aside when I try to do the dishes. She dedicates herself to working in our garden. There is a pleasant contradiction here. She complains about the work, but if you took it away from her she would miss it.  She wants to be occupied, and grandchildren, the garden and household chores do that.

I wonder whether people can assess their own happiness objectively. We have given Nadia a purpose in life – taking care of children. It fulfills her. It's a natural role for a woman. I think the complaining is also a natural role. I cannot imagine that she would objectively be happier if she were down in her apartment in a small town. Nothing to do. But she would probably say she was happy being free of any felt obligation to do something.

As for Oksana and myself, we both wanted children and are happy that we have them. They do keep us from other things.  I have done everything I wanted in life.  Although Oksana makes characteristic complaints about not being able to travel and not going out to restaurants, she is content with the status quo. She is a wise enough woman to recognize the contradictions within herself.

The children don't give any thought to their purpose of life. Their mission at this point is to learn.  They are happy studying.  They are happy being active. They haven't gotten into philosophy.

I talk to Eddie, now 10, about the end of life dilemmas facing his grandfather. He appreciates, at some level, the decisions that Grandpa and his caretakers have to make, but he is not ready to participate.

Forty years ago, when I was newly married the second time, I wanted to plant a hemlock tree in the yard to give myself control over my own end-of-life decisions. My wife thought that was an abomination and we never did it.

Twenty years ago, as our children were committed to destructive life paths, headed for neither marriage nor children, I became depressed myself.  I started to see a psychiatrist and to take Prozac. It was a reaction to the situation in which I found myself. Three months after divorcing and moving to Kyiv I threw the Prozac away.  Those are the end-of-life and purpose of life decisions that I have observed over the past half a lifetime.

That is my observation about people like my wife and me who truly want to have children. Some who have children have them as kind of an accident of doing what comes naturally. Many of those who have the wit to think about it will outright say that they don't want to get married or don't want children. Others will find excuses to put off the decision until the issue becomes moot. Only a minority will have families.

This is the world into which my children will grow to adulthood. There will not be as many people in their generation as there were in either Oksana's or mine. The world has been going like this on for 100 years now. Each successive generation is smaller, excepting occasional blips like the baby boom. People who do have kids will be fewer in number.  However, since even the dullards have figured out birth control, they will fortunately be people who really do want families.

This will resolve the Malthusian dilemma of not enough resources. There will be fewer people among whom to divide the resources. There will be less pressure on planet Earth. We should celebrate – that's all for the good. And the people who have children will be people who really want them. It will set humanity off on a different tack. If this assessment were to take into account the impact of Covid, vaccines and wars it would point even more starkly in a different direction.

The ArtTalkers Toastmasters club was just coming out of the Covid whammy when the war hit. Since we know how to use Zoom, we were able to meet last week and this.  Although the meetings draw more than 25 people, actual members are a distinct minority. Local time for today's participants in our noon meeting ranged from 5:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. While it is broadening to meet people from all over the world, it's really more enjoyable in person. I look forward to some return to normalcy.

Those are the musings from Lake WeBeGone, where the men are strong enough to take the challenge, the women good looking enough to invite it, and the children as welcome as flowers in spring.  Despite a certain genius for being annoying from time to time.

Graham